Yesterday, we heard that a national figure, who we had talked a lot about last year had died of coronavirus. This follows the death of a close family friend a few weeks ago of other health complications.
I'm not writing this as an expert, I briefly had some training on grief therapy many years ago and remember enough to know that grief is an incredibly deep and personal journey and very much tied up in the relationships which existed.
However I do have some key stones that I have always used talking about these things with our children.
We always explain things in very clear terms with the children. They will not understand the term 'passed away' and would get very confused to hear that someone had 'lost' someone. I have always told the children that the person has died. This normally leads to questions about why and we've always been very clear that bodies can get sick and stop working properly.
We don't hide death from the children, whether it is a dead animal/bird or a person. I remember the very first time I came across a dead bird with my eldest, I panicked and told her it was asleep but as we walked away, I realised it didn't feel right. As we walked back past it on the way home, I told her that I though it had been hurt and its body wasn't working anymore and she just quietly processed it.
We remember the person. As I grew up, I probably attended more funerals than your average child. As the 'vicars family', we did a lot of standing in and helping out with various parts of funeral services. Death was a regular part of our understanding of life, Eric, the local funeral director was on our 'BT friends and family list' if you are old enough to remember that! The children have always attended funerals of family or church members that we have known. We talk about them outside of the service too. Three years ago, my close friend from university days died from cervical cancer and I still have a cup that her and husband gave to me when they moved away, it has a picture of them both on the side so we could still have a cuppa together. I use the cup regularly and the girls often ask about her and how she died. We have photos of other family friends and members who have died and we talk about them and remember happy memories. If the children ask questions, we answer them honestly at a level they understand.
For us, because we have a faith, we will explain death in terms of that. Some people probably consider that an easy option, but trust me, trying to explain to a very inquisitive six year old about souls and bodies and life after death is not as easy as you would imagine! Many years ago, my friend (who's children are now older that I care to think about but were then very small!) told her children that their Grandma had gone to heaven and was having a party with Jesus. The school rang her a few weeks later with a concern that the daughter had told them she wanted to die. After a rather worried chat, they found out that she simply wanted to go to the party and see Grandma! To me, fostering the belief in our girls that death is the beginning of something beautiful rather than the end is important. Our eldest often prays for her Great Grandad and that he is having a good party in heaven, and I'm very sure that he is!!
There are no hard and fast rules about this and in our own grief, many things can be difficult to process. Be kind to yourself, to each other and find the light in the darkness.
Fran xx
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